[2019 Influencer Voice] Everyone’s been asking about my skincare routine lately!!

But truly, I have actually been getting a lot of questions ‘n comments about my glowing skin suit and to that I say, 1. You know the rule around here on accepting compliments (“Thank you, I agree!”) 2. A lot of times it’s just really good lighting, or 3. good highlighter.

…today’s Drunk Substack is SPONSORED!!! Can we all scream?! Cute cute CUTE. And it’s by the new trick(s) this old dog has been using for over a year now: Merit beauty. Does that make it only a semi-new trick? IDK and IDC. I fell in love with them based on the Flush Balm alone and then fell down the rabbit hole (pun intended bc they’re Leaping Bunny certified).

And now I’m covered head to chin in their products.

This is my daily face in all Merit.

• Base: The Uniform | Their mineral sunscreen tint has the best light finish and comes in a zillion (don’t fact check me) shades

• Concealer Stick: The Minimalist | I love this so much I have one at home and one in my car. No creasing, but not chalky, ya know? love love.

• Blush: Flush Balm in Bespoke | As a cool toned girlie I’ve been on the hunt for the perf mauve color forever and now I can finally rest.

• Lip: Lip Liner in Bespoke | These liners are somehow sheer and soft but then also long lasting? Don’t ask me what Etsy witch they made a deal with!!!

• Highlighter: Day Glow | I think this is why most of you think I’m glowing. I guess, because I am.

ARE YOU INFLUENCED???!?! Most importantly this takes like 6 mins because it’s like a grab and slap kinda job (I’m sure they’ll put this pull quote on their website lol). Everything can be blended in with your fingies and before you know it you feel cute but natural but most importantly: cute.

To bring it all home, I found a headline that felt perfectly apropos to the topic while allowing me to pursue my favorite spiritual work: dog wordplay. I deeply wanted to work in the line “making it up as I go” but any time I wedged it in, it was like trying to make a Rottweiller into a purse dog.

SO HERE IT IS—thanks for reading this far and looking at such a large image of my face.

Shop through my link to get up to a 15% discount on exclusive sets + get a free cutie makeup bag with every first order. Weeeeee!!

xoxo

Lynds

P.S. These kinds of brand partnerships allow me to keep cranking out the poetry online for freeeee (while yapping about shit I already like and use) and I really appreciate the support.

Hello from my news desk, where for a brief moment I’m pretending all of the insane headlines from today aren’t real. Join me in an, ahem, BREAK? (ELL OH ELLLLLLLLLL)

Am I the only one who thinks of Andy Bernard from The Office every time I hear the Kit Kat jingle? That’s neither kit nor kat, because after Nestle themselves asked me to write a poem (okay they didn’t technically as much as spiritually via all of your DMs), I knew I couldn’t let this one pass by without giving it the MODC touch.

Before I share the goods, though, here’s a rapidfire spewing of a few things I’ve been up to:

• Working on Microdosing Hope (shhhhh I can’t announce ‘til June but you guys are here therefore you’re family)

• Crying about the moon and Carroll (IYKYK)

• Moving!!!!! (my affliction is doing Many Big Things at once, thus rendering me nearly speechless with stress ‘n joy) (gimme a break amirite)

  • We’re staying in Nashville, just new spot!

  • So we also have to sell our house!

  • This is stressful to me as a cusp Type B person who sees the world through detail-less colored glasses!!

• Invisalign (this is ruining my snack game and tbh my confidence but I only have 5 weeks to go and i’m trying to be brave while also preserving the sacred art of complaining)

• Reading “The Correspondent” by Virginia Evans and wishing I wrote more letters

  • Did y’all know I’ve never once written a poem with pen and paper? My cousin would faint at the thought.

• Getting my THIRD poetry brand deal! This is indeed a hint in case you see a promo in a newsletter sometime soon. Remember: ACT COOL and keep in mind this is what keeps the lights (on even though nobody’s home) (I’m bonkers)

Okayyyy here’s the Kit Kat Heist poem. ILYGSM

Whatchamacallit is the most underrated candy bar,

Lynds

Y’all I was in the pit of PPD (not to be confused with The Pitt, an Emmy-award-winning show starring Noah Wyle) a few years ago when I saw this post from that Montessori toy subscription service that delivers a quarterly dumbo drop of literally the heaviest wooden toys you’ve ever beheld that truly feel like a hazard but you keep paying anyway because you don’t want your kid to be a fruit fly and apparently the key to raising baby Einsteins is developmentally-appropriate medieval torture device toys that could crush them if played with wrong.

I’m not bitter!!!!!!!

Anyway, I truly roared with laughter at the audacity to add MATH to my plate full of nipple cream, teething toys, and SSRIs. (I never read the article and I will not link here due to my commitment to grudge-holding. I’m sure it’s fine and cute and well-intended but it they did NOT read the blackout-curtained room when they sent it to me in an email.)

I immediately took a screenshot because, of course, everything is a poem to me even when I am on 2 minutes of sleep and my body is in shambles. Two-ish years later and here I am! What a redemption story! Take THAT, industrial mom-math, mom-shame, baby capitalism complex! GOT EMMMMM!

Ok here’s the poem! I had to google “Math verbs,” and “words associated with math,” but we did it, team.

Do you get the “hold my beer” reference becoming, “hold my boob” ? i personally loved it.

Send this to a new mom you know and tell them they’re doing GREAT just because they’re here.

xoxo my little fruit flies,

Lynds

I know everyone is wanting the drunk bathroom raccoon poem but did you ever think it hits a little too close to home?? JK I’m working on it for next week. Thank you for the 10.3 thousand DMs. I feel seen and loved.

Also of importance, I finally figured out a good “poetry prompt advent calendar” theme and am hoping to roll it out soon so we can do the week before xmas writing weird poems. ‘tis the cheesin’!

Ok I wrote this poem when this headline first made the rounds and I wanna share bc it’s cute and dark and stormy (like me). I *will* say, this book always gave me the heebies as a kid and I still am like hmmm i don’t like these vibes! so you won’t catch me staying at the Sheraton Boston anytime soon but I’m happy for you if you love it.

I hope everyone is staying sane during the end of year mayhem. I love you and I mean it!

xoxo

Lyndsssss

Hi so this is a perfect headline and if I were the type of person to ever not want in on a joke, I would say “no notes.”

But, of course I am me and so I do in fact have notes. and by notes I mean a poem, duh!

One of the first things I do when writing a headline poem is braindump the words or phrases that feel thematic. I was thinking of his iconic books and “This ‘Shining’ love,” popped right in my nogdog (brain > noggin> nogdog>idk).

From there I knew it was gonna be about the challenges of marriage when life feels really monotonous, stale, and un-sparkly. For me personally, having a toddler adds so much stress and boredom in equal parts and we have to work really hard to combat that and add in some razzle dazzle to remember we are cute sexy people in love and not just monkey wranglers and applesauce vendors.

SO ANYWAY that’s this! Of course, I also had the pleasure of re-reading the Mambo No. 5 lyrics and wow what a doozy. Shout out to,

So what can I do? I really beg you, my Lord
To me, flirtin’ is just like a sport
Anything fly, it’s all good, let me dump it
Please set in the trumpet

Mi lord! Pop off, renaissance festival voice.

So you’ll see a chaotic, poetic mishmash of Lou Bega + Stephen King references throughout. *tips hat*

Ok love ya mean it!

Lyndzzzzzz

Speaking of pause, I was startled today by the realization that younger generations have no idea what, “please be kind, rewind” means. Blockbuster hive rise up!!!

Annnnyyyyyyway, if that deep thought has you itching to stare at nature for a bit you’re gonna LOVE today’s headline poem.

To segue myself, I used this headline in baby bear’s (me) very first poetry workshop a few weeks ago!!!

Look!!!

I taught headline poem exercise and also how to approach list-style / longline poems. I was nervous but amped and I had a podium and a little microphone and everyone was so kind and laughed and shared their gorgy work. I’ll be honest, everyone in the workshop who read their version of this had better takes than I did and that’s humbling and cute.

OKAY so here it is.

Sorry not sorry I can’t stop writing about the end of the world and laughing so we don’t cry and holding onto hope like a hammer slash hopemaxxing slash microdosing hope. *cough, book #2, cough*

Luv ya mean it,

Lynds

buld a bear

teddy bear

bear cub

den

paw

claws

roar

you know that Nate is short for Hibernate?

Leave it to a big-butt starfish to get me out of my substack slump. How could I resist taking a crack at this? (heheh)

Let me begin by saying two adages I wrote for this poem but couldn’t wedg(ie) in:

1. One man’s junk in the trunk

   is another man’s treasure

2. Better to have made an ass of yourself

   than never to have assed at all

I also wanted to use the word rump somewhere, but alas, I wrote this with the precious 20 minutes of writing time I had this AM so YOU GET WHAT YOU GET (xoxo).

Okay love ya mean it—here’s the poem, assholes (complimentary)!

sea ya later (hilarious)

Lynds

If you didn’t hear that subject line in a Chad Kroeger voice, you may as well stop reading this right now—you don’t deserve a Nickelback poem. (sorry, the truth hurts!!!)

Now that it’s just us Nickelheads (no idea if that’s what fans are called and I refuse to check), I wrote this simply so I could say I wrote a Nickelback poem (poets have been mysteriously silent on the topic of canadian rock bands!).

This headline grabbed my by my bedazzled True Religion jean pockets and dumped a bottle of Clinique Happy on my head. Cries of distress turning out to be passionate singing? Rescue ops launching a fullass drone team and two officers only to discover a blissfully unaware songbird solo camper safe and sound? Say less!

Okay so truth be told I’m not really a scholar or fan of the band but I do know two songs, so I used that knowledge to wedge two lyrics into this shorty, cutie poem. Perhaps that makes me an honorary Nickelhead after all. (Aww this is getting emotional.)

Here she is! Someone forward this to Chad, thx! Is he still married to Avril Lavigne? K Bye!

xoxo

Lynds

Hi doggies! Hope you’re having a better day than the tractor-trailer that spilled 1,000 frozen hot dawgs on the highway on Monday. I, for one, am!

This poem was DM’d to me approximately nine thousand times and it made me feel seen, inspired, and hungry. I regret to inform you that I couldn’t work “sausage party” into this one, but it’s important to stay humble and dream big for next time!!! Artists, write that down.

I also didn’t work a single girl/grill pun in nor did I refer to myself as a pig in a blanket. Am I losing my touch? Maturing? Prob not to either because we’re talking about a POEM about HOT DOGS. I think I can be marked safe from both disasters.

Okay weiners, here’s the poem! LYLAS!

xoxo
Lynds

Hi! Where have I been, you ask? Nun of your business! JK i’ve just been like the rest of us: burnt out, ticked off, rode hard, and hung up wet. (Is that the saying?)

N-E-WAZE how are you?

So fun fact about me: im exhausted! lol But fr the thing I miss most about my pre-baby life is sitting down for longer than 15 seconds at a time, so when one of you perfect girlies sent me this headline it spoke to my non-empty head in spiritual ways.

This one goes out to all my indoorsy introvertz, my FOMO-immune women of the cloth (cozy blankets).

Here’s to a bright future of bead rotting and if you’re in a season of R&R, I hate you oops I mean I’m happy for you xoxoxo

Lynds

P.S. I’m brainstorming collection #2 and want it to be about aging (gasp!), midlife transitions, re-inventions, big changes, finding yourself again and again—if there are any concepts or experiences or phrases that strike your interest about this interesting season (basically whenever you stopped feeling ‘young',’ please share as I’m in title hell. ok love ya!!!

I bet you didn’t have topless man with spoons on his body on your Friday Inbox Bingo Card, but alas, you’re friends with me and that means you’ll never know a moment of peace.

I don’t know how he’s doing this (prob witchcraft) but I do love this quote from the article:

“Anything that has a surface I can stick to my body, such as plastic, glass, fruit, stone, wood and even a fully grown human."

For some reason it’s giving, “I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?” from Meet the Parents and for that, I’m grateful.

Okay nerds, let’s get to the creamy nougat (ew) of this substack Snickers. As always, LYLAS!

Man it’s a hot one,

Rob Thomas (and me)

I know what you’re thinking and yes eels do have nostrils. In fishies they’re called nares, ok?

Now that we’re on the same page I will confess that I’m writing this on my phone walking very slowly on the treadmill at the gym while a sleek gazelle-like woman runs next to me. i stand by my life choices.

But ya know who doesn’t? All the Londoners flushing their coke down the toilet and drugging the river eels. (Another brilliant segue, tyvm.)

I started writing this poem earlier in the week and it got weird fast so I was going to keep the weird one as a bonus until I remembered I have free will and the weird one can be The One.

So here it is!

Thanks everyone for sending this gem my way; I hope that emotionally/spiritually you walk slowly or run like a gazelle this weekend—or a fun combo of both.

Xoxo

Lynds

PS the app was glitching so I couldn’t hyperlink the article but here it is for all you stone cold dorks (complimentary) who like to read ‘em

Hi my little freaks!

I come to you live from wrestling myself out of trying to wedge “mane-line” into my poem (get it? mainline like to enjoy something without restriction and then mane like hair? sigh NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME).

I don’t have a lot to say except my birthday is tomorrow! But thankfully (and shockingly thb) I’m not a big bday person. I did however find my note to my husband from a few bdays ago wherein I lay out my “food plan” instructions for the day lol

Wait let me share it. Tag yourself, I’m “(2 bags)”. Also OMG and the request to put on “real clothes” because it was quarantine so we were obv dining in wow wow. Also-also Little Debbie singular haha.

Basically poetry in and of itself huh?

Speaking of poems, here is the headline poem from this week. I had a lot of fun writing it, per usz. It’s almost as if that’s the whole point? Really makes ya think heheheh

love you mean it,

Lyndsdawg

Oh this old head? Thanks, I made it myself!

Hi guys how are we? As for me and my house we have COLDS in our noses but WARMTH in our hearts.

I made an egregious joke about pollen to a waiter today, but, again I do blame it on my sinuses.

Speaking of head colds (GR8 segue as usual, Lynds!!) today’s headline is a fun one that got me misty eyed (or was it allergies? 😏) about all of the women I’ve been so far in my young, hot life. I have so much tenderness for her even when she was being a stone cold dumb dumb. I hope you do too (for yourself, not for younger-me. She’s fine.)

So anywa,y that’s where I took the poem today. I love writing poems and I love you guys!!!!

xoxo

Lynds

The instant I saw this headline I know the cake bandit was a woman. Eating an entire cake that is not yours in a backyard that also is not yours and arriving at the hospital “panting” yet “alert”? A man COULD NEVER.

Friends, I’ve had a very weird and wild March (march madness, one could say hehe) so please send all the good vibes and I will boomerang them back to you I swearsies.

Here’s the headline poem!

HYMI (heart you, mean it)

Lynds

PS THE EVENT IN NYC WITH BUSY WAS SO COOL I AM NOT OVER IT NOR SHALL I BE ANY TIME SOON. thank you to everyone who came!!! xoxooxx

My Sophie’s Choice for this week’s headline poem was choosing between two wordplay jokes I loved equally: an ex-terminator joke and a Zaddy Long Legs. I couldn’t find a way to work them both so I wrote two versions because the only rules around here are that—you guessed it—there are no rules.

Poem 1 (It’s the red underlined ‘zaddy’ for me lol)

Poem 2

Happy made-up day of love I love you a lot.

xoxo,

Lynds

P.S.

For funsies, I originally began the piece about the specific types of men I was drawn to in my 20s. It was fun but I prefer how it turned out!

It used to bug me

that I got cock-blocked by the universe 

from John and David and Justin and 

other men with names that sound like a walking Patagonia vest 

But then I saw the light

and realized what what a pest it is to only love that

which won’t love you back

What if we met in the substack and screamed?

If you have a pillow or cliffside nearby, you’re cordially invited to let it all out.

It’s the most important step in my skincare routine, after all.

This headline is poetry in and of itself, but I was sent it trillions of times so I tried my best to add to it. Rebecca Shaw, wherever you are, thanks for the perfect comedic relief amongst the shitshow.

I don’t have much else to say so I’ll just share the poem. ILYGAL (i love you guys a lot)

xoxo

Lynds

My anaconda don’t want none unless…it’s a headline poem newsletter!

Wow we are kicking off 2025 with a bang and YES that’s a sex joke.

Speaking of big Os, I’ve been taking a big ZERO in the toddler sleep game so I’m going to yet again blame all of this silliness on lack of sleep. (Cut to me trying this excuse when Dawson is like 14 heheh).

This headline is what (wet) dreams are made of and my exvangelicalism jumped right into action faster than a male scientist can find the g spot.

Here it is! I love you! Don’t for get you can buy my Mad Lib-ified booklet of poems here.

xoxo

Lyndssssssss

Ya know what? Hell yeah.

Sure, we could be focusing our tech efforts to advance society OR we could figure out how to take a paper chicken bucket lid, cover it in vinyl coating, and etch it into a record. SAME/SAME MAYBE?

I’ve been busy being dumb with my 12PoemsofDrunkmas prompt-a-palooza so I almost forgot to be dumb this week right here!

Crisis averted and this one is extra crispy (read: stupid) (complimentary)

PS if you’re in or near NYC on March 13, SAVE THE FRIGGIN DATE because I’m gonna be at the iconic 92NY with….BUSY mofuggin PHILIPPS.

Casual.

Ok ILY XOXO

Lynds

This week my DMs were neck and neck with this headline post and these salami nails.

I feel known I feel seen I feel beautiful.

Perhaps I’ll write about my salamani if I decide to do it, but for now, we must talk Orca goss.

The bad girls of the ocean are back and they’re trendsetting yet again. (Moment of silence for this image that is clearly AI-generated—yeehaw, orcaboy!)

You can read about it here or just get your soft-hitting news from my poem below.

ALSO—tomorrow I'm hosting a little festive PoetryPrompt called #12daysofdrunkmas where we're using the 12 days of xmas gifts as poem prompts to write one new poem every day. The goal is to be weird and silly and dumb and try new things. I'll be reposting on IG and Threads and LinkedIN (jk lol, imagine) if you wanna play!

My poem for Day 1 is called A Partridge in a Pear Shape, so….get pumped.

LOVE YOUUUUUUUS,

Lynds